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Cultivate: 1. Prepare and use land for crops and gardening. 2. To acquire or develop (a sentiment, quality or skill).

My husband and I have become avid amateur gardeners. He loves roses and flowers while I, (the cook), love vegetables and herbs. I love planting,  fertilizing,  watering and even weeding. I love the fact that when the growing season is over I can hold the fruits or veggies in my hand that will nourish and strengthen my body.

But I am also intrigued by definition #2. I understand how a person can go about developing a skill– you either go to school or or practice it repeatedly until you have mastered it. But developing a sentiment or quality sounds like a much tougher proposition. At this point in my life, (about the halfway point), I’m more interested in developing these inner qualities than I am adding more skills to my resume, though, I have to admit, knowing HTML would save me a bit o money.

But how does one go about developing a sentiment or quality? I would love to be more patient with other people, especially in a caregiver roll. I would love to be more thoughtful, more deliberate, more encouraging, more supportive, but how? I do it for my garden, my plants… I encourage them with a nutrient rich soil, weeding away the suckers who would steal their food, and water. How do I do that for myself? How does one go about encouraging creativity and empathy? I think the secret lies in books. I have been so busy that my reading has suffered, but I am prioritizing my reading habit again and being very careful about choosing what I read, making sure that it is nurturing to my spirit or mind.

Action: Read one non-fiction and one fiction book monthly. Make copious notes.

Burnish: To make smooth or glossy, usually by applying surface pressure

I had such intentions when I headed into this summer. I work as an after school teacher so the summers have once more become magical times of child-like leisure. I, of course, filled them with plans. I’m running my first half marathon in September and wanted to drop about 15 pounds during my summer training. I wanted to write a book, a proposal and perhaps a novella. I had garden work, yard work, meditation and canning on the list. I even wanted to refinish the cool little end tables I picked up at the Salvation Army for a song.

Then my 78 mother fell while out on a walk and broke both her arms.

In amongst the panic of getting to the hospital, talking to doctors, picking up prescriptions and bringing her home with me, I saw my summer shifting and changing, becoming less my dream and morphing into something unrecognizable. It’s like someone had snatched away my idyllic summer and gave me one that was far different,  one that would be pretty much consumed with care-giving. Consumed by someone I love, but consumed nonetheless. What happened to my summer? The summer of satisfying work? The summer of transformation? The summer of personal growth?

Oh.

Even if my summer is different than what I planned, it is probably the best summer I could imagine for personal growth. I am being burnished, you see, inside and out by applied pressure. Sanded and polished. Stretched.  Changed.

Action: Remind myself daily that having the ability to adapt, stretch and flex is a sign of  strength and keeps us from snapping.

Image courtesy of Tina Phillips/freedigitalphotos.net

Aware: Having specified facts or feelings impressed upon the mind.

Another word for aware is conscious–being conscious of the things that are around you and within you. Some people, like myself, have an extra bit of awareness about them that comes naturally. An extra sense of things, if you will, though that sounds sort of floaty.  I think this awareness is part of what makes writers, writers. I also think that many teachers, psychologists, and counselors have this extra awareness as aware people are generally empathetic and more likely to seek out jobs and opportunities to help others.

One of the best ways to cultivate awareness is to read. Books teach you to to pay attention to your senses, notice details and place you firmly into the minds of others.

Action: Nurture increased awareness of the world around you by reading daily, both fiction and nonfiction.

We have a lot more choices in our lives than we used to. Even now, as I sit down to write this blog, the choices almost paralyze me… do I want to write about the incredible choices writers have? How about the choices women have? Or the incredible array of choices that we have now in our middle age that we didn’t used to have? Did I want to talk about choices in general or did I want to get into the choices I’m facing right now in my life.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m always at a cross roads with a dozen or so paths leading in different directions. For instance, last winter, I was thinking seriously about starting my own business as a writing coach. I also wanted to be a motivational speaker. Then I received a call from my old boss asking if I wanted to return to my job as an afterschool teacher and then I decided to do it again next year. I love teaching and it seemed like the right time to reenter the workforce after almost two years of full time writing and fighting cancer. So, no writing coach business. I also received an email last fall about teaching writing for the Portland Community College Community Education program and I decided to do that, as well.

And you know, I’m a writer.

Choosing which books to develop and write is tough. I spent a good portion of last fall writing a book that I now know was the wrong choice for me. Second guessing your choices is one of the pitfalls of having them. Right now, I have an adult I’m really excited about, a young adult I would like to write and a novella, I can’t get out of my head. With limited time, I’m not sure which direction to go.

And then there’s my own education. I got this idea stuck in my head and I’m not sure what to do with it. Could I actually return to school and get a degree? What would the return be on my investment? Would it be fair to my husband who has worked so hard for his family to rack up that much debt a decade before he’d like to retire? What would the goal be? I certainly don’t want to spend that much money for personal satisfaction or because I need another big challenge. If I obtained a degree in English Lit and New Media would Amazon or some other big company even consider hiring someone over 50? (Which is how old I would be when I finished school). Even including all my smarts, experience and know how?

And then there’s the fact that I am and always have been an autodidact– a self-learner. I’ve spent my life educating myself. If I wanted to do something, I taught myself how. From gardening, to writing magazine articles, to publishing, to novel writing, to canning, to cooking, to teaching… if I wanted to learn about it, I did it myself. Would going to school be a step back for me? Isn’t there a part of me that always wants to be the rebel? If I want to get a degree, can’t I just put together my own course of study and do it on my own? Wouldn’t that be more in line with who I truly am?

So, yeah. Choices. I feel so very privileged to live in a time and a place where I have so many… but sometimes I’d just like to have a crystal ball to see the path every choice would lead me down. But then again, maybe that’s a part of the adventure.

*image courtesy of jannoon028, freedigitalphotos.net

As many of you know, I have turned into a bit of a workaholic in my old age. Actually, that isn’t quite how to describe it…I want to do all the things. That’s much closer to what’s happened to me. And when I say all the things, I mean it.

ALL. THE. THINGS.

I want a garden like Monet’s and a house like Martha’s. I want to cook like David Lebovitz and write like Fitzgerald. I want to teach like Maya and run like Pre. I want to taste, touch, do and be all the time. Life is short and I want to live every moment passionately, completely and fully.

I think this compulsion to do it all has always been inside me, but the bout with cancer really brought it out. I want to cherish life, my loved ones and make a difference. Staying positive in the middle of a world that is falling apart is difficult. But positivity is a choice, a mindset. It isn’t a naïve, Pollyanna thing— it’s the knowledge that deep inside, I can make a difference. I can impact people positively. I can impact the world positively.

But doing all the things can be exhausting.

Sometimes you just need to revive yourself, fill the well, so to speak. Last night, my hubby and I went to a local pub where a classical music quartet was performing. The crowd was mixed— from old people who had heard about the performance on the local classical station, to hipsters who had shown up not knowing the treat they were in for. There were young families who had brought their children to listen to live music and there were several couples like my husband and I, who were raised on rock and had grown to appreciate music in different forms. It was incredible to listen to songs that had been transporting people for hundreds of years. I left the pub feeling refreshed and ready for another week.

Play is so important when you are doing all the things.

So is meditation, diet, exercise and hanging out with like-minded people. You have to feed yourself in order to keep going.  So I wanted to leave you with a few places where I get fed…

Meditation: Headspace. No nonsense, practical, guided meditation with no religious leanings. It’s basically self-relaxation techniques. I love my Headspace.

Mind food: Wild Sister Magazine. Editor in Chief and publisher, Jen, is an amazing woman with a serious mission to change the world, one wild sister at a time. The magazine is gorgeously designed and full of women who want to change themselves and the planet. Oh, and I have an article in there this month.

Music: All Classical Portland is one of the top classical stations in the country and I’m lucky enough to have it right here in my pretty city. When I’m at the gym, I listen to rock, but when I run, it’s all classical, all the time. You can stream it live or get the app for your phone. They are having a fund-raiser right now, but usually it’s just music. And it’s not canned. There are real live knowledgeable DJ’s  on at 3am. Wow.   

Okay, I’m out.  I’ve got to go do all the things!

Has it really been that long since I posted?

During that time, I have traveled to New Orleans, ran a 10k and attended a YA book festival in The Dalles.  I have also finished a book, started teaching at Portland Community College, signed up for a half marathon and worked on several top sekrit projects.

I’m exhausted.

But school lets out on the 13th (I teach at an after-school program in my spare time), and after a quick trip to Missoula, Montana and Spokane, I’ll be at home, writing full time… well, other than the teen workshops I’ll be giving at PCC. You all should totally check out my news page.

Oh, and Born of Corruption just came out and Born of Deception will be out on 6/10. You can see them on my books page...

But for now, I must fly again–revisions on Velvet Undercover are due soon….

To celebrate the fabulous review Kirkus gave Born of Deception, (which you can read here!) I will be giving away five ARCs of Born of Deception!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Born of Deception

by Teri Brown

Giveaway ends May 01, 2014.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter to win

 I am a huge Wild Sister fan.  I love both the magazine and the message and when Jen “came out” with her a newly discovered  Aspergers diagnosis, I was fascinated. I knew my readers would be too, so I asked Jen if she would be interested in doing an interview with me. She would, she did, and here it is:) First, a little about Wild Sister Magazine.

Wild Sister is a revolutionary e-mag and global sisterhood of women who rock at life. The aim of Wild Sister is to inspire women to love themselves, follow their bliss and change the world.

Now more about Jen!

Name: Jen Saunders

Position: CEO, founder + editor-in-chief of Wild Sister Magazine, creator of the Wild Sisterhood + co-founder of the Autistic Women’s Collective.

Me: When did you start Wild Sister and why?

Jen: I started Wild Sister in 2011, after discovering many inspiring female bloggers online and wanting to gather them all together to create one awesome collection of voices. I’d always wanted to read a magazine that made me feel good about myself, but I could never find one in the slew of gossip-heavy, photoshopped tabloid mags that fill the newsstands. So I decided to create the kind of magazine I’d always wanted to read.

Me: Have you always been creative or driven to have your own business?

Jen: Definitely, I’ve been creative for as long as I can remember, and I’ve always wanted to work for myself.

Me: Have you always felt “different”?

Jen: Yep, I didn’t know how or why, but I always felt like I didn’t fit in.
 
Me: How did the diagnosis of Aspergers come about?

Jen: I saw a girl on TV talking about her life with Aspergers, and I related to all of it. That started me down the path of researching and reading as much as I could until I was sure I was Aspergian too.  Less than a year later, I was diagnosed.

Me: How did the diagnosis make you feel?

Jen: So many things. First, relief. Other words that come to mind are liberation, validation, clarity, understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance.

Me: Do you think there’s a link between your aspergers and your desire to run your own business? Why or why not?

Jen: I think so. I always had a lot of trouble working a full-time job, all the social aspects of it were incredibly draining and I always knew I did my best work when I was passionate about what I was doing. Starting a business built around something I loved was the best thing I ever did. I turned my special interest into a business, taught myself how to do it all very quickly, and used my creative skills to do it. These are all my Aspergian traits coming into play.

Me: Anything else you want to share?

Jen: For any women out there who are on the Autism spectrum, I invite you join the Autistic Women’s Collective. It will be an online community for Autistic women, by Autistic women, and aims to provide a safe space for us to connect, and promote acceptance and neurodiversity through sisterhood.

So, I’m going to get all esoteric and shiz here on the blog. Hey, it’s my blog, I can say what I want, right?

So let’s get down to it… As some of you know, I was diagnosed with a pituitary gland tumor back in 2001 or so. Treatment included a ten hour surgery and radiation. I’m a big believer in taking away life lessons from our experiences and quite frankly, I think I forgot the lessons the universe was trying to teach me way too soon because I was hit with throat cancer two years ago this spring. This bout included two surgeries and another six weeks of radiation. Because the radiation was in my throat it affected my eating and as you know, eating affects your whole quality of life.

I got it universe. I really got it this time.

Of course the irony that I discovered the cancer at the same time that I’d just received two major publishing contracts wasn’t lost on me either. I don’t know if it was because I was ten years older or if I am just a lot more in tune to these things but the yin and yang of the situation was a real wake up call.

So now I run, lift weights and eat well.

Like writing, self-care isn’t easy. I have a million excuses why I shouldn’t run that three miles/write that 1000 words. I self-sabotage by telling myself that I will never getting any faster/any better. Basically, the doubts that splatter my writing spirit with excrement are there as I reach for health and try to live life to it’s fullest.

I used to think that someday I’d be able to rid myself of the demon of self-doubt, also known in writing circles as the evil editor, but now I know better. But I can make the demons weaker. How?

• Positive self-talk. Remember the little engine who could. I can. I will.
• Follow with action. All the positivity in the world won’t help me achieve my goals unless I take ACTION.
• Making small goals and achieving them helps me a lot. First one mile. Then two. Submit an article. Then two. Make friends in the industry. Attend a conference. Finish a book. Join a gym.
• Then up the ante with bigger goals. Run a 5k. Then a 10k. Get an agent. Publish a novella. Meet my deadlines.
• Nourish my soul. Live in the moment. Stop in the middle of the run to take a picture. Look up at the trees as the sun shines through the leaves. Reread paragraphs that sing. Think about how wonderful that food tastes. Meditate.
• I enjoy each emotion because they mean I’m alive, that I feel, but I don’t let the emotions possess me.

And every morning I tell myself that I only have one life and I need to embrace it. Every damn moment of it.  So the heck with self-doubt. Life is too short and far, far too precious.