I love me some book bloggers/reviewers. I’ve met a few of them in person for dinner or coffee and had funny online chats with a lot of them. They are just like normal people, except, you know, for the fact that they can bring grown novelists to their knees and transform them into steaming heaps of humiliated, groveling author dung with a single steely look.

But they love books and pretty much anyone who loves books is all right by me.

I make it a point not to engage bloggers about their reviews of my books. They’re not only entitled to their opinion, but often times their insights are right on the money and I learn a lot from them. Reading is subjective, which means what floats one person’s boat isn’t necessarily going to float another person’s boat, etc. and I have found book bloggers to be a pretty smart bunch, overall. (Authors, Did you see how cleverly I worked that kiss ass sentiment in there? *Nods sagely*)

However, there are times when I read a review of my book, or even that of a friend’s book, and I am forced to think, “Exactly what kind of happy, chronic, buzz weed were you smoking when you wrote that, babe? Cause I need me some of that!”

Luckily, most of the reviews of my books have been overwhelmingly positive. But there were a few…so I thought I’d make a list of the most common comments I’d make if I had a compulsive, overpowering desire to commit career hari-kiri.

  1. Dude, it’s a SERIES. It’s going to continue, yanno?
  2. What was I trying to do with that ending? I was trying to be smart and literary. Trust me, I WON’T DO IT AGAIN.
  3. You do know it’s NOT a romance novel, right? (Not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m a member of RWA, after all, but that doesn’t make that particular book a romance!)
  4. YOUR MOM!
  5. What do you mean, you don’t like my character? What did she ever do to you? You do know that people have flaws, right?
  6. (Pinching my thumb and index fingers together and bringing them to my lips.) *Coughs* Here. Have another hit on the crack pipe.
  7. It’s abundantly apparent to anyone reading your anonymous review that you have an ax to grind. Or perhaps slighted you in a critique group? Did I call you a name in the fifth grade?
  9. Oh, yeah? Well, I bet you couldn’t write your way out of a paper bag either! *sobs uncontrollably* OH GOD, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Yeah, I know that was nine. I couldn’t help myself.

PS. Dear Bloggers/reviewers, I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean any of it! Don’t hate me! I love you all!!!!

PPS. You all do know this was written in jest, right? *worries*


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Eight things @teribrownwrites would say to book reviewers/bloggers if she was, you know, STOOPID.  (Click to Tweet)

Did she just commit career hari-kiri?  @teribrownwrites engages BOOK BLOGGERS. (Cue scary music)  (Click to Tweet)