I love me some book bloggers/reviewers. I’ve met a few of them in person for dinner or coffee and had funny online chats with a lot of them. They are just like normal people, except, you know, for the fact that they can bring grown novelists to their knees and transform them into steaming heaps of humiliated, groveling author dung with a single steely look.
But they love books and pretty much anyone who loves books is all right by me.
I make it a point not to engage bloggers about their reviews of my books. They’re not only entitled to their opinion, but often times their insights are right on the money and I learn a lot from them. Reading is subjective, which means what floats one person’s boat isn’t necessarily going to float another person’s boat, etc. and I have found book bloggers to be a pretty smart bunch, overall. (Authors, Did you see how cleverly I worked that kiss ass sentiment in there? *Nods sagely*)
However, there are times when I read a review of my book, or even that of a friend’s book, and I am forced to think, “Exactly what kind of happy, chronic, buzz weed were you smoking when you wrote that, babe? Cause I need me some of that!”
Luckily, most of the reviews of my books have been overwhelmingly positive. But there were a few…so I thought I’d make a list of the most common comments I’d make if I had a compulsive, overpowering desire to commit career hari-kiri.
- Dude, it’s a SERIES. It’s going to continue, yanno?
- What was I trying to do with that ending? I was trying to be smart and literary. Trust me, I WON’T DO IT AGAIN.
- You do know it’s NOT a romance novel, right? (Not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m a member of RWA, after all, but that doesn’t make that particular book a romance!)
- YOUR MOM!
- What do you mean, you don’t like my character? What did she ever do to you? You do know that people have flaws, right?
- (Pinching my thumb and index fingers together and bringing them to my lips.) *Coughs* Here. Have another hit on the crack pipe.
- It’s abundantly apparent to anyone reading your anonymous review that you have an ax to grind. Or perhaps slighted you in a critique group? Did I call you a name in the fifth grade?
- POO-POO HEAD!
- Oh, yeah? Well, I bet you couldn’t write your way out of a paper bag either! *sobs uncontrollably* OH GOD, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
Yeah, I know that was nine. I couldn’t help myself.
PS. Dear Bloggers/reviewers, I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean any of it! Don’t hate me! I love you all!!!!
PPS. You all do know this was written in jest, right? *worries*
Click to Tweet!
Eight things @teribrownwrites would say to book reviewers/bloggers if she was, you know, STOOPID. (Click to Tweet)
Did she just commit career hari-kiri? @teribrownwrites engages BOOK BLOGGERS. (Cue scary music) (Click to Tweet)
I nearly choked on my sweet tea reading this! 🙂 Thanks for the fun read.
🙂 Thanks Brandy!
Thanks for the laugh! :))
Okay, as soon as I get done laughing hysterically…
Good for you!
Love how you let the junk roll off, but you can still take a look at the criticism and joke about it.
I can’t help it; I’m still grinning1
LOL I’m glad:) I really haven’t been raked over the coals like some authors and I love the book bloggers that I have met. It’s just kind of a strange symbiotic relationship…
LOL…too funny! I’m going to tweet a link to this post. I know a woman who got a bad review for one of her books that hadn’t even been released yet! Shaking head.
I was reading reviews on Amazon the other day. One was based just on the sample. Another one star review was by someone who would never by the book because of the title, so the person hadn’t read more than the title! They weren’t your books but stupid anyway.
Not sure how I feel about that! 🙂 Actually, pretty funny read from the reviewer standpoint.
Hilarious! I loved this. I’ve wanted to say each of these things in my own life, too. Thanks for the laugh.
LOL Thanks Elia!
As a reviewer and blogger…I was highly entertained by your post (and unfortunately have been guilty of some of those complaints–but what do you expect when you leave something as cliffhanger and tell us that the next book will be out in 12, no, 14, no 16 months, lol). It’s a compliment if you have people making that complaint…it means they liked your story and your characters and they care what’s going to happen! I think the worst thing is that our culture seems to be promoting the meanies…so those reviews get the most votes and those of us who try to be polite get lost in the depths…so don’t forget that if you like a review for your book to remind your friends to go vote for it and if you don’t like it get your non-visible friends and family to vote against it, lol.
You know, I have never thought of that, but you are right… and mine was only a bit of a cliff hangar:) Actually the only truly mean reviews I have gotten were on amazon. Usually book bloggers, even those who didn’t like my books for various reasons are almost universally polite about it.
As both an author and a reviewer I laughed like crazy at your nine items. As a reviewer, particularly when I’m going to mark something at a 3 or lower, I often go and read what other reviewers have said AFTER I post my review. I often find I’m lower than others. I suspect that is because I’m a writer and I notice some things that pure readers don’t. In many ways I regret that is the case–that I can’t read purely for story anymore.
As a writer, I’ve been fortunate with my reviews being mostly fours and fives on all my books. However, I do remember my first two Amazon reviews on my first published book. The first person talked about the plot and characters she loved, and then cited a typo of “threw” instead of “through” and said there were other typos. In her mind, this made my book a three instead of a five. Good Lesson to me. I never found that particular typo when I went back to the book to see if other things were wrong. However, I did find 10 other typos and changed them for the next upload.
The second person’s review, on the same book in the same timeframe, also mentioned good plot and characters but not the typos and gave me a 4 out of 5. She was a librarian. On my next books, I’ve never received the typo comment again but I do have a mix of readers who like or don’t like a particular plot twist. I think that’s great. It means they care enough about the characters to want to see their lives end up HEA.
Every reader comes to a story with certain expectations of plot, character, genre, story, and writing style. There is no way to meet all those readers needs. One can only hope to reach those who are the right audience for your book. I figure the more reviews a book gets, the more likely it is to end up in the 3 out of 5 zone. Statistically, that would be the top of the normal curve. So, if you are getting hundreds or thousands of reviews and averaging 3 or better, I’d count that as a win.
A good review, or a thoughtful one, I should say, can teach an attentive author a lot. I don’t read reviews that are primarily negative, but if it is mostly good but raises some questions, I can be aware of it in the next book. 🙂
I loved this! I am a not-yet-published writer, and it’s good to know what to expect – both the bad AND the good. Laughed out loud.
Thanks for this post!
LOL Sarah, I am glad you enjoyed it!
Fun post! I’ve only written one review and that terrified me (and it was before I started writing). I was so afraid to be critical!
I do agree, a writer who is open to other opinions can learn alot. It’s sort of like feedback from a contest judge or a critique partner (although further along the path)…there just might be a gem in there to make the next book (if not this one) stronger.