T.J. BROWN BLOG

As many of you know, I have become increasingly more political since November 8th. No more half-assed political posturing for me-I want to actually be as informed as I can. I believe our Republic is in jeopardy and we got to this point because of ignorance. I’ll never be caught with my democracy bloomers down again!

As always, in times of trouble, (did anyone else just think of the Beatles there?), I look for guidance from others with more knowledge or experience. I’ve found so many willing to rise up as leaders–to take time out of their lives to resist because it’s important. This list is by no means exhaustive… in fact, if you want to add your own suggestions, please leave a comment. Today is regular Joe day. I’ll do media outlets, journalist and politicians later.

Regular People Who Stepped Up

Elizabeth Cronise McLaughlin: A whip-smart former lawyer and women’s leadership coach who now does almost daily podcasts that analyzes the news with a definite legal slant. Her brains and positive attitude makes me feel better about the state of the US. (And I have tickets to see her speaking tour here in Portland! Squee!) You can learn more about her work here.

Amy Siskand A recent head-line for the Washington Post said “Trump won and Amy Siskand started a list.” She catalogs a weekly list of the subtle changes going on the changes going on in the US should scare the bejeesus out of everyone who reads it. The work she is doing is EPIC and so is Amy.

Ben Wikler: Ben is the Washington DC director of MoveOn.org and his tweets keep me informed. It’s like having boots on the ground in the city where it’s all happening.

Jennifer Hoffmann Another Regular Joe who started a weekly Action List for Democrats and Republicans of Conscience. The list is well researched, compassionate, extensive and includes a list of people to thank for doing the right thing.

It’s Time to Fight Though this is a website rather than a person, I personally know the woman behind it and she’s a rock star. Though she prefers to remain somewhat low key, she’s a political staffer and a total politics geek. Her weekly and daily action lists are invaluable.

Have any regular Joes to add?

Summer of reset: New Beginnings

New Beginning #1: Even before my job at Common Ground ended, I’ve been training for the new job. The woman I’m taking over for was in the middle of moving and retiring, so it was paramount that we snatch as many training hours as we could before she left on the 30^th. The timing is perfect really…I’ll have the summer to ease myself into the job before the students arrive after Labor Day. My summer hours will be filled with visits to different Job Corps sites, employers who actively look interns or are open to learning disabled employees and various academic programs that help at-risk teens. I’ll also be getting up to speed on the YTP program, the services we offer, as well as the work I’ll be doing for the district. My office/closet needs a lot of help, too. Hoping I can talk them into painting it for me or allowing me to paint it. Because damn. Also, even after training I know nothing. Fake it til you make it?

New Beginning #2: Somehow or another I’ve gained a shit ton of weight and fell off the fitness wagon. So I’m back on said wagon once again and doing the Slim in Six program. I gotta be honest. It’s sort of boring. But I don’t need exciting, I need results and this is a nice low key program with sound nutrition plan and workouts that challenge me without crippling my old fat fanny. It’s a six week program and I’m augmenting the boring workouts with PLIYO and yoga. I have put together a small support group and we’re just trucking along. I need to lose about 42 pounds—though not all this summer, obviously. I do NOT want to go into my dotage being frail, inactive and watching family feud.

New Beginning #3: New school term! This time I am taking an elective and crossing off a bucket list at the same time! I am taking Spanish. It’s confusing and weird and wonderful and I am excited to finally learn another language. I have always wanted to and if I don’t do it now, I never will.

New Beginning #4: I finished the revisions on one book and sent it to my agent. Now I am working on another… a YA this time. I am NOT going to talk about it much because I love it and I am afraid to Jinx it. But I love it and I am glad to be writing something new again.

I knew this summer would be big and important… I just didn’t know how big or important it would be!

For the past nine years I’ve worked at an afterschool program called Common Ground Extended Care. In that capacity I was a teacher, the head teacher and then last year, stepped back down to teacher again. We had 60 k-5^th grade kids and the idea was to create a program that challenged the older kids while not boring the younger ones and vice versa. Through the years I hugged, taught, wiped up spills, read to, bandaged, counseled, reprimanded, played with and cooked for hundreds of children, (I did a cooking show called Cooking with Teri in which I would cook foods from around the world while giving a lesson). I booked numerous guests to come in and give presentations that went with our theme. We’ve had Shakespearean actors, history reenactors, soap-makers, candle-makers, bee-keepers, quilters, scientists, inventors, car buffs, city planners, biologists, scuba divers, cloggers,  jazz dancers, conservationists, puppeteers, numerous artists and authors, and the odd Dairy Princess or two.

We had musicians and bands of all kinds including a ragtime duo, a nationally known blues guitarist, a band specializing in ancient instruments, a blue grass fiddler, a saxophonist and a didgeridoo player who gave us a full blown concert with sound effects, loops and everything. Our kids got to dress up in bee suits and scuba suits, watch a salmon being dissected, throw a lasso, sit in vintage cars, make Lego robotics,  hold a human brain, dress up in traditional Budapest costumes, learn how to dance the tango, make gnocchi and that wasn’t even the half of it.

In all my excitement in my new job, I pushed away the sadness of leaving a job that I love with the best co-workers and the best boss I could imagine having. I cried on and off all day yesterday and there were a few children it just gutted me to say goodbye to. I got flowers and gifts and homemade cards with childish embellishments. I received sincere, heartfelt thank yous from parents whose children I have taught for years.  I’m excited for the new chapter in my life, but it will never be able to replace the old chapter in my heart.

Like the song says,

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

Resetting is slow.

Before I get into my slow resetting, I wanted to say something about why I’m doing the Summer of Reset. I mean, what’s the point? I think humans need to occasionally reevaluate where they are in terms of their vision and goals. If they’ve veered off the path or if their former vision has changed, they need to recalibrate themselves. This summer, I’m recalibrating, readjusting and fine-tuning.

Day one: Activism in the morning: Called all my Reps about our health care followed up with 30 minutes of cardio, (which I highly recommend as a way of dealing with the frustration at our nation’s current state of affairs). Food wise, I was almost on point. I say almost because I had Cheetos with my lunch salad. (Because all salads call out for crunchy, fake cheese crisps.) I finished the rough of an editorial letter for a client and also cleaned some things that needed cleaning and hadn’t been cleaned since spring term started. (It ended for me on Wednesday) Then I made a fabulous chicken dinner from Cooking Light magazine. And I mixed my rośe with calorie free tonic water. That cuts calories, correct?

Day two: Activism in the morning. 45 minutes of PIYO, (A pilates/yoga workout that hurts everything), and a two mile walk with my dog. I worked on my own writing, (YAY), and went to work. Food was not on point. In addition to my shakeology, salad and healthy snacks, I had two Rice Krispy treats, a small chocolate pudding, more Cheetos, (which are satanic), and two pale ale beers from Terminal Gravity. (If it’s pale, it means light, right?) One of the best parts of the day came at twilight when after playing with my dog in the backyard, I lay on the grass and stared up at the trees blowing in the wind. I acknowledged the perfect moment in the moment that it was happening which made it more perfect.

Day three remains to be seen. I did meditate, which is good.

Things I have gleaned so far:

• Summer of reset has confirmed my love for Headspace. I wrote this on Facebook, “Great meditation this morning…was contemplating the “loop”. How angry thoughts fuel angry emotions and how angry emotions fuel angry thoughts. It’s the same with sadness, guilt, shame, hopelessness, etc. It perpetuates itself. I’ve been aware of this loop for years which is why I give my emotions the side eye. It saddens me how many people are caught up in this cycle without being aware of it. That loop can destroy lives. The trick for me is to spot the loop while it’s happening and use distraction techniques to circumvent it. I acknowledge the emotion, try to trace it to its root and then try to move on. The meditation I’m doing helps”
• Decluttering means getting rid of things in your life that aren’t working any more or just taking up space and energy. This can mean items, beliefs or even relationships. I’m going to be doing lots of decluttering this summer.
• I’m trying to add to my Gratitude Jar daily. My hubby and I started this tradition four or five years ago and we really like it. Every time we think of something we’re grateful for, we put it on a sticky and into the jar. On Thanksgiving Weekend, we pour ourselves some really good pinot and read them aloud. We always put the dates on them so we know what part of the year they were from. Sometimes I forget to do it for a month or more at a time so I am trying to remind myself to do it more often this summer.
• I am really, really sore, but so far I am persisting.

This is my summer of reset. I’m almost done with the revisions on a book that will go out this fall and it’s the best thing I have ever written, I’ve cut back my school hours and while I’ll be busy as all get out, it will be stuff I love doing. I’m still fighting every day for the country I love. I’m getting my nutrition, physical fitness and weight back under control.

I think the big thing that set this off is my new job. I’ll be a Youth Transition Specialist for the Tigard/Tualatin School district and I am thrilled and overwhelmed and so, so eager to get started. I felt deep down that I needed a new challenge. I’m still in school and I’m still writing and doing developmental edits on the side, but I just felt as if there was something else out there for me and lo and behold! The circumstances surrounding how I landed the job show me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. For those of you who don’t know, YTP is a program that works with Vocational Rehabilitation to transition learning disabled kids from school to vocational school or employment. I’ll be mentoring, job coaching, helping them to write resumes and navigate transportation, and teaching other life skills needed to make a successful transition into adulthood. Everything in my skillset led me to this point.

To make room for a full time job, (only ten hours in the summer), I’ve given up my teaching job at Portland Community College’s noncredit program. I am, of course, going to finish my own education. After this summer, I’ll have 18 credits left for AA degree and at that point I’ll reevaluate how far I want to go.
I think the news that I passed my math class on top of a fabulous new job gave me the feeling that I can do anything. Like I’m Wonder Woman. I’m cutting the clutter from my life— both figuratively and literally. It’s time to get rid of the deadwood holding me down and making this a true summer of reset.

I can hardly wait!

In writing, as in so much of life, we often concentrate on the goal. We peck away at our keyboard, longing to finish the paragraph, page, chapter, book. When we finish the book, we find that our goals have moved further off into the distance. We now need to write the query, polish the synopsis, obtain an agent, and score a book contract. Then we have more goals: second book contract, promotion, third book contract, more promotion.

Add in an industry fraught with rejection and reviews that judge both the writing and the writer, it’s no wonder that writers have historically reached for that bottle of gin, or wine or other mind-numbing poison. The advent of the Internet has been both a Godsend and a bane—research and communication are easier but at times it feels as if everyone else in the world has good writing news except you. The Internet is good at creating that little flutter of anxiety that means if you don’t hurry, ALL THE CONTRACTS WILL BE GONE AND THERE WILL BE NONE LEFT FOR YOU.

It never ends. Like a sailing ship, the goal is always just over the horizon—we never actually reach it and it becomes ever more elusive. “So concentrate on the writing,” we’re told. Yet, who is really satisfied with their own writing? Oh, we may be in flashes, but overall? “Not I,” said the little red hen.

Often, in spite of what it looks like on the outside, even working writers aren’t assured of anything. I have a total of seven traditionally published books that have been translated into four different languages, two novellas and a half a dozen articles in Writer’s Digest, yet I’ve had four agents and no books on the horizon. No one is more aware of the quicksand that most authors are sitting on than I am. I teach novel-writing classes for my local community college, attend conferences, write for magazines when I can and constantly worry about my next book sale.

So what is the solution? Perhaps the answer lies less in the goal or the outcome and more in the process. Perhaps the process is the point. It’s being mindful of the writing while actually doing it. I’ve always enjoyed timed writing sprints with friends online. It makes the time and the writing go faster, but maybe this method simply keeps me more focused on the word count than the actual words. I get sloppier in my sentence structure when I’m racing and less aware of word choice. What if in my desire to outwit my inner editor, I’m bypassing my inner writer? The one who actually enjoys word play?

People say you should only worry about what you can control and we certainly can’t control the publishing business. But maybe if we concern ourselves more with the process and less with the outcome, we will worry less about where our writing is going and enjoy the act of writing more.

So next time I sit down to work on my manuscript I’m going to try something new. I’m going to forget about daily word count goals and word racing. I’m going to open the document without expectations. And I am going to play with each word, each sentence and each passage—and try to be mindful of what I’m doing each moment.

I think one of the most important tricks in life is to figure out what to say yes to and what to say no to. This one still knocks me on my arse… I actually think that those two little words are the building blocks of your life. Your yeses and nos basically dictate how you spend your time.

People tell you that I’m the queen of no. My husband-who says yes to way too much-made up the name. My friend, Miriam, however, says I need to say no much more because she thinks I say yes way too often.

The truth lies somewhere in between. I say no to others and I say yes to myself to excess. And I’m not talking about the “Yes, I can have the extra piece of cake or third glass of wine.” (Though I do that a lot too!) I’m talking about the, “Yes, I can go to school and work three jobs and train for a half marathon and write books.

Then I’m all shocked and butt hurt when I crash and burn.

I think part of the problem is that I really don’t know what I want and the options are dizzy-making. I’m afraid that I’ll say no and lose out on something good. For instance, last spring, I quit my day job. Then in the summer, I took it back (with a lot less responsibility.) I was ready to give up my college degree dream as a something impossible because it really doesn’t make financial sense. Then I registered for fall term because in spite of it being impractical, I want that degree. I just do.

I waffle. I waver. I says yes and then no and then yes again so many times it gives me vertigo. People tell me to slow down and enjoy life. What they don’t understand is that excepting a few moments of freak out, I enjoy being busy. I like feeling accomplished. I also pencil in time for friends & family, time alone, time to get out in nature, etc, so it’s not all work. Sometimes I burn out. Sometimes I screw up. Sometimes I’m exhausted. But I try to remind myself that those times of exhaustion and burn out means I’m out there swinging, out there trying, out there living, and THAT makes me very happy. As anyone who has overcome cancer will tell you, living so you have time to love and learn and experience is the only thing that counts.

So for me, saying no opens up time to say yes and vice versa. It’s everyone’s job to find a yes/no ratio that works for them. I know a fellow author, (and fellow cancer survivor), who decided after a successful career writing romances that she didn’t want to write them anymore—her taste and priorities had changed. She said no to one thing so she could say yes to another. So mind your yeses and your nos. Because that, my friends, is how you make a life.

I’ve become a perfectionist. From the stoned flower child reading in a horrendously dirty house with overflowing sinks and cat-boxes to an over-achiever who posts pictures of her adventures, gourmet meals and lovely garden. I’ve gone from someone who refused to make lists on moral grounds to someone who has written blogs about how to get organized.

I’ve been headed in this direction for years, but I think these tendencies have grown exponentially with my use of social media. Now I receive pats on the back from complete strangers for my industriousness and I find the positive feedback almost irresistible. Instead of, “Look, ma, no hands,” I can now show the whole world my accomplishments. Look what the weird chick raised in Alfalfa, Oregon has done. You thought she wouldn’t amount to much, didn’t you? Ha! With each pat on the back, I become more like Pavlov’s dog looking for a treat than a human being who fucks up on a regular basis. I can’t just can my vegetables, I have to show people I’m canning my vegetables. I can’t just climb a peak, I have to show people that I’m climbing a peak. I can’t just make dinner, I have to show people my turnip bacon risotto with a French leek salad…oh god, there I go again…

While I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with sharing your life with others, I’m worried that other people will believe that this is all my life is. Furthermore, I’m more worried that I WILL BELIEVE THIS IS ALL MY LIFE IS.

I worry that in only showing the glossy public part of my life, I’ll become more shallow and less real. Yesterday, I opened my mouth and said something super stupid and hurtful to a friend. I didn’t mean to sound like I was bragging, but it did. Like one of those perfect pictures I post, or the list of things accomplished, it only revealed part of the story. Yes, I can do XYZ in five days, but I didn’t share that I cry myself to sleep at night, become a raging bitch and scream at everyone I love while doing it. Why didn’t I share that too? Have I become so used to only being the #allthethings Teri that I can’t share the cost of #allthethings?

On the other hand, do people really want the truth on social media? I know writers and agents who have shared the truth about their lives and their professional reputations suffer. Can I share which books have sold well and which ones haven’t without harming the illusion of success? How important is that illusion anyway? People are attracted to successful people. Is that our mammal herd mentality kicking in? How honest is too honest?

And just what are you supposed to share on social media anyway? Share too much and you get derision. (Don’t you have a life? You obviously aren’t getting enough done.)If you show pictures of your food, people don’t think you are serious enough. If you share political posts people think you’re too combative or confrontational or even naive. If you show pictures of animals who have been mistreated and or ask for donations for this or that cause, you’re subjecting people to things they don’t want to see.

That leaves us cat videos, people. Cat videos.

I’d like to say that I’ll stop sharing about how I try to do #allthethings, but I know I won’t. I will, however, try to  post  more about the price of doing them and my failures. Expect this post in the future. “I totally fucked up today and it hurt. #human”

It’s strange. Now that I’ve reached a certain age, I can see my past friendships more clearly and because of this, I’ve become more resigned that some friendships, no matter how close we were formerly, just never had the steam to make it. There are those that last a long time and those that fade quickly, but perhaps the ones that are the most puzzling are those that last for 20 some odd years and then just sort of implode or fade away.

Remember when you were a child how easy it was to make friends? We both want to play on the swings so let’s be besties. As you grow, friendships became more and more complicated. By high school, friendships are like minefields—fraught with danger and oh, so very important. After school, making friends becomes more difficult. With work and children, friendships sort of happen on the fly. It’s a self-preservation thing—your child has reflux, my child has reflux, please for the love of god, be my friend. Or with work friends, it’s like we’re at the same place at the same time want to grab a drink before heading home? Proximity and convenience friendships are very real and for good reason. Some of these friendships last and some don’t.  This is a pattern that has repeated throughout my life—some  last, others don’t.

Sometimes you really hit it off with someone and after a few months they’re just too busy to meet up anymore. It takes me a while, but I usually get the hint. Others last a few a few months and then suddenly I’m too busy to meet up and they get the hint. (Others never seem to get the hint but that’s a whole nother blog!) Not all friendships are meant to last. There are still other friends that you love but neither one of you seem to make time to get together no matter how close you once were. You’re still friends on social media and you send them a card for Christmas, but that’s it. Some friends, god bless their hearts, you can go a year or so without seeing and when you do get together, it’s as if you just spoke last week.

The twenty-plus-year friendships that implode are the hardest to explain. Sometimes I think that you just outgrow them. I had some very good friends during my evangelical Christian period that I just don’t see anymore. They’re aware of my change of heart and perhaps they can’t reconcile themselves to the fact that someone they once thought they were going to hang out with for eternity is now choosing hell. (Better drinks). Or maybe their spouses found out and realized that not only am I no longer in the fold, I’m most decidedly anti-fold, and they put their dominant foot down. (Many religions frown on people hanging out with non-members, and evangelical husbands, especially, can have real hesitations about their wives hanging out with an intelligent, irreverent, contentious woman. And yeah, I’m an intelligent, irreverent, and contentious woman. Which makes me a lot of fun to be around, but again, that’s a whole nother blog.)

It’s also difficult to keep friendships going in the age of social media. Some people who I thought were sane turned out to be bat-shit crazy and there are those, especially during this political year, whom I’m just like, “Oh, dear lord, I didn’t know! You think what? You support whom? How are we supposed to go out for coffee? I can’t even look at you! In fact, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth…” On the other hand, the Internet has brought me some really close friends that I’ve met in real life and would totally go to bat for. From, you know, afar.

It can be sad to lose friendships, but sometimes it’s liberating. Like peeling off  jeans that don’t fit any more and screaming, “SCREW IT, I’M WEARING YOGA PANTS!” Other times you just nod sadly and think, yeah, it’s for the best. Sometimes there’s just too much history to pretend that either of you have anything in common any more. As I’ve grown older, I realize that is better for me to have a handful of real friends that I can invest in than it is to have a lot of friendships that I don’t have the time for. That’s the leaning in part of this blog.

The point, I think, is to be open to new friendships and relationships while remaining committed to the ones that are mutually satisfying and edifying and letting go of those that aren’t.